I haven’t written in my diary for a few months because the truth is, I don’t want to just write about bs, I want to write about things that matter to us earthlings.

Success matters. And not just for the usual reasons you're told.

In Western civilization most people consider success the act of earning an ample income. I beg to differ. I consider success as simply the act of utilizing your best talents to do what you love, and succeeding at it. I’m going to go over some reasons why it matters so much, reasons that people rarely discuss, which I’ve had to learn the hard way.

It’s true you won’t be genuinely happy, until you start doing what you really want to do with your life. So obviously, this would be the first and foremost reason to pursue your dreams and aim for success.But have you ever seriously considered the consequences of both “not” succeeding at what you love and/or “succeeding” at what you love?
Let’s first go over what tends to happen when you don’t pursue your dreams and choose the passive act of just being a leaf on the stream of life.

Your relationships suffer.

And when I say “relationships,” I mean ALL relationships.

Your relationship with yourself suffers first. Since you’re not doing what you know you’re supposed to be doing you’re in a perpetual state of mental, emotional and spiritual unrest. You’re basically creating an inner war inside of yourself which only grows with time. It’s like a cancer that you can’t see. But it’s there. It’s always there, growing into an all pervasive black mass that will explode when you least expect it. Don’t do this to yourself. Life is too short.

One of my favorite quotes of all time is, “When the pain of the change becomes less than the pain of remaining the same, you will change.” My prayer for you is that you never get to this point and that you fine tune your focus onto your dreams before they eat you alive.

If your relationship with yourself is out of balance, everything else in your life will follow suit. You will begin to fall into the trap of self loathing, which will then create a lack of self esteem, which will then evolve into an all pervasive fear of the unknown and a general lack of faith in anything whatsoever. This spells out the antithesis of the frame of mind necessary for success. Learn to cultivate faith in yourself. You simply must if you want to succeed.

Secondly, your relationships with your friends, acquaintances and employers are negatively affected. Everyone can sense it when you’re living some form of a lie.

Basically, what happened to me was I developed a slight reputation as being selfish and self-centered. Sure, I’m a bit of a diva anyway(I’m an effin’ singer for crying out loud) but I’m a very generous and compassionate person by default. It’s my true nature. I’m probably too nice and too compassionate, actually.

However, due to years of not putting myself and my career first, and being lost in the slavery of full-time jobs, and romantic relationships etc( this is after I moved to NYC, prior to that I was touring as a DJ, but that’s another story... lol), I became pretty sad and unfulfilled deep inside of myself. And people could sense it. I also never had any money at all, because I wasn’t earnestly working towards any type of genuine financial freedom. I was stuck earning just the minimum to get by(most the time). I was always in a state of “lack” as I fondly refer to it. I eventually started to resent anyone who expected me to “give” them anything. What did I have to give anyway?
I had nothing.. I was starving myself of my own life’s purpose.

Use your imagination and think about how this state of being can manifest further and show its ugliness in all aspects of your life. It’s not a pretty thing to look at. One of the keys to life is cultivating abundance, NOT deprivation. I didn’t even trust myself enough to make the changes necessary to start earning money at what I actually love, and what I do best. I knew what I was “supposed” to be doing(so did my coworkers and close friends) I knew what I was “put” on earth to do. But I was too fearful, broke, and lazy to do it. This morbid despair continually grew inside me, unbeknownst to me. By that time I’d shoved it so deep I’d forgotten it was even there.

The more you resist something, the more it persists.....

People will begin to develop a warped view of who you truly are if you don’t honor your highest self and focus on your calling in life. This will also perpetuate the warped view you have of yourself. The riff that develops between your true self, and the false self you’ve built in order to ignore your calling will start causing strange problems in your life. Your employers will notice it, your friends and acquaintances will notice it, and your romantic partners will notice it.

Your relationship with your romantic partners will suffer because you’re constantly feeling like you should be doing something else other than what you’re doing with them. Perhaps you’re not present because you’re always busy thinking about how you should be in the studio making music instead of sitting in front of the T.V eating junk food. Or, perhaps you’re so disgruntled about where you are in life, that this low level agitation constantly creeps out of you in all situations causing a strange riff between you and your partner. Honestly, I could write a damn book on this particular point, but I’m just gonna leave it at this.

Do what you love, succeed at it, THEN worry about being in a relationship. Or, you could try doing it the other way around and see what happens. Here’s a hint, it “usually” doesn’t work. Eventually you’ll explode, and yes I did explode, on various occasions. I refer to these explosions as my beloved “trips to rock bottom.” Lol.

Eventually, I grew tired of hitting rock bottom. I decided I would just fucking be the star that I am once and for all. I can’t help it that I was born this way. I can’t help it that virtually all my talent lies in music and performing. I can’t help it that I have all these songs, messages, and visions to relay to the world. It’s just who I am. And honestly, I didn’t ASK to be this. It’s simply WHO and WHAT I AM.

Maybe you just need to look at yourself in the mirror one day, and ask, "Who am I? Am I being the person I’m supposed to be in this life? Or am I just doing what my parents want me to do...?" (“building” your resume etc....) Fuck that. Go for the gold.
Relinquish the fear. It’ll catch up to you one day if you don’t. Believe you me.

Ok, so now that we’ve gotten through the uncomfortable part, let’s go over the consequences of doing what you love and succeeding at it!!

Number one, your energy changes.

You break free from the bullshit of life. Your relationship with yourself changes because, well, you no longer hate yourself. You still have to work hard, and in most cases, even harder than you did before. But at least, you enjoy what you’re doing and you’re not living in a sickened state of disgruntled unrest.

You know you’re heading in the right direction and somehow manage to find others who’re doing the same. There’s a noticeable momentum and ripple effect that begins to take hold as things continue to move in the “right” direction.

Suddenly, being single(or attached to the right partner - if you’ve already successfully found your teammate) becomes a blessing rather than a detriment. You start understanding the value of pursuing what you love and how it changes your being. You begin to realize that this change affects virtually EVERYTHING and EVERYONE in your life.

Since you respect yourself now, others begin to respect you more as well. People begin to take your dreams and talents seriously, because YOU take them seriously.

Number two, you begin to advance in your craft. You couldn’t advance before because you never gave yourself the genuine time or freedom to work on it. You never had the faith to do it and you were always caught up with something. Now, you’re getting even better at what you do, in fact, you’re perfecting it.

Last but not least, you’re raising the effin’ vibration of the entire planet. Why?
Because when you do what you love, and succeed at it, you subsequently become a more happy and fulfilled person.

When you’re a happy and fulfilled person, you naturally exhibit less of the “low level” human emotions; greed, envy, jealousy, etc. Before you made the change in yourself, these emotions were subconsciously seeping out of you like black syrup onto everyone and everything around you.

And guess what, this currently defines the state of most people in our society, including some of my friends, unfortunately. Tragically, most people walk around in a perpetual state of unfulfillment. They harbor envy, jealousy, resentment and all sorts of emotional sickness. Don’t be this person. We have enough of them already.
I used to be one too...

Just imagine what it would be like if everyone chose the high road. Imagine if everyone chose to be happy and fulfilled in life by working towards their dreams, and attaining them. I think this shift could possibly start changing the world and the way we interact with one another.

How can you be happy with anyone, or anything... if you’re not even happy with yourself?

Think about it. I did.
And now my voice is being heard by the world.

I can’t believe it’s been 2 1/2 months since I’ve written in my diary. It’s true what they say about the music industry during the holidays, everything pretty much stops; and this included my desire to write in my diary, lol. However, I did take advantage of my main laptop being in the hospital by using that time to write something a bit different, luckily I still have my old laptop, which I kept for these circumstances!

For whatever reason, I decided it was time to write a 10-page diatribe on my newly coined term, “Hybrid Recording Artists,” and how we fit into the broader musical spectrum. I was bound to do it at some stage. But I did NOT expect it to take 20+ hours of really hard work to write. Geez Louise, it’s mind bending enough getting into the notorious “Underground vs. Mainstream” convo, never mind the singing aspect of it. I mean nu-school and old school heads alike can get lost in that rabbit-hole of a conversation any day. Yikes.

Anyway, it was important for me to express some things I’ve had on my chest for many years, and they’ve definitely been coming to a head over the past three to five years, specifically. The truth is I do feel alone, and not in the romantic way either. I’m not interested in trying to be with anyone since I can barely take care of myself and do music at the same time. Plus I just wasted 7 years of my career going in and out of relationships, so I’m good on that for now...

But, as a recording artist I’m always looking to find other ones I can relate to. And I always come up short. Lately I’ve been turning to the greats; Prince, Madonna, Cyndi Lauper, The Police etc., to find the strength I need. As for more of an underground style of electronic music, Lady Miss Kier was the only one who sang, danced and did the DJ thing too. Maya Jane Coles seems to be putting a bit more vocals in her music and featuring herself more in videos, but it doesn’t appear she’s a full blown live performer as of now…

So alas, I sit in my studio, pulling at straws.
 
My set up is not the norm at all, and there’s no one to tell me how to do any of this in the most efficient way possible either - no YouTube tutorials here. Because as I mentioned in my new article, apparently “Artists aren’t suppose to be DJ’s too...” at least according to one of the crowned masters of NYC nightlife. So, I guess I’m on my own for now.

Shit is definitely real. I’ve recently put myself on a military schedule (or at least my version of it). I get up at 8am, five to six days a week, and grind it out in varying degrees for 12 hours a day. This involves one-hour practice each of vocals, keyboard, and drum machine madness. Also included are my 6 hour sessions a day of music production on Tues/Wed/Fri’s. I’m also exercising 4 days a week now, and Saturday’s are designated for all my DJ related stuff.

It’s official. My Singing/DJ career is WORK; it’s not a party anymore.

It’s funny, because in a dark way, I feel like I’m paying for all the fun I had growing up in the club/rave scene.  To think of how many nights and days were spent staying up until noon and then sleeping for 2 days. All those amazing times I had, well I’m paying for them now, in the form of severe blood, sweat and tears.

And there isn’t any trust fund around here to help make sure I eat enough, I usually do not. However I’m working on devising a health plan that supports my schedule (and budget) and keeps me as healthy and energetic as possible. It’s a work in progress.
 
I’m a work in progress.

We’re all a work in progress...
 
Life is challenging for everyone, which is one of the reasons I think this music is so important for society. And I feel there are people who’ll strongly relate to what I’m singing about, and the knowledge I’ve gained from the school of hard knocks.
I have a lot to say, and an insane desire to sing it all - the good, the bad, and the ugly.

 And I’m digging so deep right now - it’s really the only way to succeed. Godspeed!

I've been going back and forth in my mind about whether or not I want to expose the meaning behind the Temple song and video. Part of me wants to keep the entire thing a secret, but part of me also yearns for people to get to know me better as an artist. This is the main reason for this diary(other than the obvious goal of venting my struggles in a constructive way in hopes to help others get through their own struggles).

The fact of the matter is, Temple, is the first story of many more to come. Each video will continue on from the one preceding it with an ongoing storyline. I'm pulling from a vast array of life experiences and it's really the culmination of so many things.

Years ago I lived in Haiti for a few months. It's a long story but I've always been drawn to culture of all different types. While growing up, I was obsessed with learning about foreign culture and International travel.. 

My first experience out of the country was visiting Germany at 12 years old, next was when I lived in Jamaica for a summer at 16 years old. I've always been into Caribbean culture and food specifically, because before I fell head first into House music, I was a Reggae girl. I grew up on the beaches of Florida and most of my friends were from the Caribbean, they were the ones I chose to be around.

And, my soccer coach, as well as one of my best friends,  were both from Haiti. 
Because of this I was exposed to Caribbean culture early on. By the time I was 23, I had already visited Jamaica, Haiti, Antigua, Puerto Rico and the Dominican Republic, not to mention Germany. I love experiencing new cultures!

But to this day, Haiti has had the most profound effect on me. There were things that happened to me there that only my closest friends know about, things you don't really discuss with people regularly. If I ever end up writing a book, that is when I will get into details about my experiences there. For now, let's just say it changed my life, mostly for the better..

I had some spiritual experiences there that left profound marks on my soul. I was also imparted with knowledge I couldn't have received in any other way, had I not lived there. 

What was I doing there, you ask? Well, it's a secret..

Temple is the culmination of the convictions that arose from these experiences, mixed with deeply personal visions and beliefs regarding reincarnation, all intertwined with the mental anguish I endured over the past 4 years(more on this in future posts).

In addition to what I just mentioned above, there is also a strong undercurrent of my disgust with the music industry coming out in its own cathartic manner via the Temple video and esthetic. 

After all that I had went through, I suddenly began having this overpowering urge to become a ghost. The music industry made me feel like a ghost anyway, and as you can see in the video, my predominant look is one of death; monotone, neutral, almost transparent.

This is where my obsession with veils began. I wanted to disappear. 

There's only one thing I like more than wearing a proper hoodie; and that's wearing a shiny veil. 

The ghost and  the veil - the look of macabre transparency; my answer to a music industry obsessed with image, social media stats, and spiritual vacancy, and also(yet ironically), the corporate exploitation of spirituality as a means to make money(this is one of the hardest ones for me to deal with at the moment, namely in the dance music community).

I didn't want to look like a movie star in Temple. I wanted to look like a dead person, a mirage, a mutable spirit. We have enough pop stars, wannabe super star dj's, and pointless Instagram celebrities.

I'd rather be the ghost singing in the graveyard about all the lives I've lived..
​I'd rather wear a veil.

​The way in which I met the music producers of Temple; "Slumber," (Oona Dahl and Amber Cox) is a fascinating one. I first met Oona in Orlando around 2009, whilst deejaying together amongst the leftovers of one of the oldest known underground dance music meccas in the states. Little did we know, the three of us would soon be playing together inside a desolated country saloon somewhere in the swamps of Florida (this is of course seen from a haughty New Yorker's point of view, ha).
 
The night will always live inside my mind as the night we drove an ungodly amount of hours, the night that ended with a mental and emotional breakdown on the shower floor of my hotel room.
 
I’d been living the life of a Dj, for too long, and in complete ignorance of any other thing around me, including my own desires. I’d felt the high of playing for large crowds early on in my career and held onto that beautiful high like a lifeline. Everyone needs something to believe in, and for me, it’s always been underground dance music, and the culture surrounding it.

But there’s a caveat, being a professional DJ isn’t rooted in reality; you travel, you party, you have amazing times, while the rest of world gets up everyday and works, and learns about life in difficult, yet sometimes meaningful ways. And while they’re hopelessly plodding through their daily routine, you’re excitedly planning your next show, nursing a hangover, maybe sleeping in if you’re lucky. When this madness continues for too long it’s impossible not to develop a warped sense of reality, and it can be challenging to come back to earth.
 
I’ll save the details of my past for future posts, but let’s just say when I first arrived to NYC after having been touring for a couple years abroad and recovering from the 90’s, things got weird. Fast-forward a few more years to 2009 and I’m at the saloon with Amber and Oona in the jungles of Florida. I’ve had horrible things happen behind the decks while deejaying, I’ve spilled candle wax on a record while it was playing in front of a packed club, I’ve done the cliché “take the needle off the wrong record” move because I took a bad pill and didn’t know wtf was going on, etc… but this particular night shattered my ego in a spectacular way.
 
The guy whom played before me left somewhere around 40 seconds for me to mix into, and then something happened with the sound and it cut out while I was mixing into his last song. Then, the four miserable people sitting at the bar started booing. It’s hysterical when I look back though, I mean, I was thinking, “I went from playing to thousands of people to this? I’m really losing my mind now. Where am I? Who am I?  What is this? Why am I here? And… are there horses tied up outside like in the Wild West? This is insane."
 
And in this horrific moment Oona(bless her soul) saves the day by turning on the microphone and chanting in a sarcastic yet endearing tone, “We drove a hundred thousand miles for this...??? We drove a hundred thousand miles for this…??? We drove a hundred…etc.” Everyone laughed and the mood changed instantly. Thank God for her in that moment, or else maybe I would have just stabbed all the alcoholics booing at the bar (Just kidding).
 
But something else riveting was happening inside me in that moment, revealing a matter stuffed deep into the pit of my stifled soul. Oona’s chant on the microphone offered an eerie reflection into a part of me that was long dead and gone… the part we’re all forced to ignore; the path, the truth, the sixth sense. And in that reflection I suddenly remembered who I’m here to be. I’m not just a Dj, I’m a singer, dancer and performer.
 
I’d say throughout this lifetime I’ve felt this pain about 4 times on various occasions. And let me tell you, it’s 4 times too many… It’s amazing what we go through to avoid the inevitable, to avoid the little voice inside telling us to follow our dreams and take the road less travelled. Later that night was when I completely broke down, and collapsed on the shower floor of the hotel room for hours, crying hysterically, wondering how I’d ever feel good about myself again.
 
A few days later I made the pact to myself that I would return to NYC and begin singing and performing, even if it killed me. I’d do whatever it took to make it, the shift had occurred, and NOTHING was going to stop me.
 
A year or two later I had been singing in my best friend’s band Jaded Lover, in Brooklyn, when Oona and Amber approached me and asked if I’d like to write vocals for a song they’d finished. Undeniably, after having formed this type of a relationship with them, it makes sense that Temple would spring forth from those seeds.
 
Temple, is a song that takes you far beyond the dance floor - they had literally created pure magic and handed it directly to me. It was truly uncanny, and the lyrical process was unique as well in that it gave me the feeling I was tapping into something else - remembering, honoring, disclosing...
 
​This is when the ghost of Amunet Shah appeared, and Abagale left the building, forever.

Discogs is pretty addictive.

However, I've learned that you're better off just splurging for the Mint condition records, "Very Good" and "Very Good Plus" my arse, I don't want to spend an hour cleaning them once they arrive! "Mint" all day baby..

Tonight I'm going through some personal bullshit so I decided to basically sit in front of my studio monitors and just blow my eardrums out. But at least I'm blowing them out with some really quality stuff.. Thanks to youtube, tonight I'm drowning myself in two of the songs that changed my life around the time I was playing out a lot in Orlando, a few years before I started touring in the Dominican Republic.

These were songs that filled me up with unparalleled appreciation and love for the underground electronic music culture. I would listen to them in my car and visualize my future life in NYC and beyond. I'd make life-long promises to myself to never give up. I was so desperately inspired to devote my life to this, and equally devoted to inspire others...sometimes that's what this music can do to you. I remember feeling like I was burning a hole through my window with my eyes while driving. I was visualizing so intensely, that's what these songs did to me. They gave me unwavering hope.

Tonight I bought these two records on Discogs, in MINT condition... :) two of the songs that changed my life and propelled me to stay on course. I cried my eyes out for the past hour while listening to them. Then I spent $50.00 and purchased them both.. 

They'll sit in my crate waiting patiently for that moment. The moment when I just know innately  it's the "right" time to play them. Perhaps someone on the dance-floor is in need, in need of inspiration and a sturdy lifeline to grasp. Maybe I'll just feel it in the air and know it's time..only  time will tell..
​
Truth be told I hope to play them at Output.. Yep, that's where these two golden records belong, on the main floor of Output...

Back to vinyl, A.K.A back to breaking my back..Why am I doing this again??
​
Flashback to the last dj gig I had before I took my 3 1/2  year break...

I was playing with Connie at a club(we'll leave the name of the venue out of this!) for my friend's birthday party. This kid that was opening for me had clearly only been a dj for a very short time, and was playing off of his laptop, unapologetically pumping the absolute WORST EDM garbage my poor ears had ever been abused with.. I was thus thrust into a reasonably bad mood before even ingesting my obligatory pre-set beer.. On top of this, this was to be my first ever dj gig using a damn USB stick. Like many other dj's I had quit playing vinyl(very reluctantly and depressingly) in 2008, and had moved on to CD's, now it was time for me to face the USB music stick revolution head on.

​The story goes a little something like this...

I didn't want to play after this kid. In fact, I wanted nothing more than to run away and hide whilst sticking needles in my eyes. This was the absolute worst situation(musically) I had ever been thrown into. Anyway, when it was my turn to get in the booth, I put my little USB stick in the black hole and reluctantly, began to play......

And........... ladies and gentlemen, in  THAT very  moment a piece of my soul DIED.

I can't fully explain it. But suffice to say, in that moment I had come to terms with the fact that the entire art of deejaying was officially dead. It was a wrap - Done. Dusted. My poor little dj soul crumbled that night, and did not return for 3 1/2 years. I vowed to take a step away from the dj game, focus on singing and performing, and reevaluate if I could even be a part of this new and oh so thrifty USB revolution.

I mean, a fucking monkey could learn how to play a damn usb stick in a Pioneer CDJ. I could literally eat an entire 4 course meal, watch a movie, make out with someone, and paint my finger nails - all simulataneously while mixing, and STILL not wreck a mix on those things. As if CD's weren't easy enough to play! Seriously though..

But anyway, this is not to say that I didn't on some level love how easy it had become for us dj's. For years I'd yell and scream at the turntables, cut my cuticles on record sleeves, spend every red cent I had on import vinyl, curse at the needles when they'd skip(just as I'm about to bring in the most epic mix EVER!!!). And basically complain, in some manner, just like I am now.. bwahahaha.

But I digress.. point being, playing vinyl is not easy. It's a skill that you learn and hone over many years, a true creative art form and skill set that was at one point taken very seriously. 

But alas, the days of the Balance Promo record pool are over. And it's been a very long time since a crate of ridiculously nasty underground promo records showed up to my house. That is, until today(and no they're not mine unfortunately, lol).

Ohhhh sweet baby Jesus...the vinyl promo galore, the funky demos and yummy acetates, the one time vocal releases and insanely well produced white-labels, oh yeah baby, yep, it's still happening, and it's beginning to happen even more now...... 

And, I'm very excited to start collecting these new gems and begin rebuilding my sonic arsenal, as it were. You know, those records that have the capacity to change someone's life on the dance floor.. not the filler tracks, not the "I look cool because I play this" tracks - we're talking next-gen, next-level, over the top SICK shit here. They're out there, I know it and I intend to find them. I smelled some of them today and it made my blood boil once again(in a  good way, lol). I want to be that dj again, and I will be. But, it's going to take a lot of time, perseverance, and know-how to get these golden records inside my crate once again. Luckily, I'll always have my classics, I'll always have Abagale's original arsenal of sonic love-fare and space age bombs...

​But it's Amunet's world now.... and I have some pretty big shoes to fill..

Well, I successfully completed my first solo Live set up/Dj show. I'm really not even sure what to call what I'm doing. I'm glad someone posted a pic of me DJ'ing vinyl with the hashtag "OneWomanShow." I was seceretly hoping for that, or "OneWomanRave." I'll take either one of them. Perhaps I'll just completely drop the whole "Live/Dj" explanation and just refer to my show as "OneWomanRave." What do you think?

Anyway, the best part was listening to the audio recording the day after the show, now THAT'S where the learning REALLY begins, lol. So basically when you attempt to turn your house into a club there will be some challenges in the sonic department. The bass reverberating up through the turntables into the needles then back out into my monitors as well as the floor sound system was especially fun. And since I've been putting off buying IEM's (in Ear Monitors) for the past 6 years I guess I really shouldn't put buying them off anymore. If I want to sound my best as a singer/performer in the world of reverberating bass-lines and dance floor chaos, I had better come correct. So yes, I did play a couple of my songs live whilst banging on my keyboard and playing my drum machine, and I did a decent job, but it could have been a magnificent job had I been more technically savvy with the set up. But alas, the learning curve is oh so steep on the way to the top. And, my ego must be prepared to endure these hurdles one by one along the way. So be it. I'm ready. #OneWomanFuckingRave.... here we go..