The mind of an artist is a scary place. One day it's pure unadulterated creativity, the next day it's dark night of the soul and feeling as if you're being buried alive. I've read that this dichotomy is common so perhaps I'm not so different.
As your career progresses you do tend to see more light at the end of the tunnel, many times corresponding with a major release, big show, etc.. but that feeling of victory quickly subsides as you arduously prepare for your next big venture and/or challenge.
My first manager, Sam Mollison once said, "In this business you're only as good as your last release." I've found this to be true. He also said other things like "Nothing beats the element of surprise in this industry." Meaning, it's best to bombard the industry from out of nowhere. I've always lived by this. These days I'm really quite the hermit, for the past 4 years or so I really don't go out much at all, I just sit in my room and make music and strategize my attack. Living this lifestyle takes its toll on you. One day you're up the next day you're down. One day you're feeling proud, accomplished and on top of the world, then 2 days later you're questioning why the fuck you chose this path and wondering who in their right mind would consciously choose to play music for drug addicts at 8am?
Moreover, why did I sacrifice literally every single thing in my life, and I mean everything, to do this? It's not even about deejaying specifically, in this example I'm actually referring more so to the music production and performance aspect..as a singer etc.. although usually if I'm doing a a singing performance, it's not at 8am. However, that luxury could evaporate soon as I merge my skills into one show..
Point being, it's a crazy wave we ride. You do have to learn to take the punches and get right back up again. Because the longer you stay down, endlessly circling in your own abyss of negativity, the harder it is to come out of that space and see the light.
Ya gotta bounce back. Ya gotta bounce back from the ping pong of thoughts in your mind. And in this sinister reality of the biz the truth is, suffering produces great art unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you view it. But I suppose bliss and pure happiness do as well. Although I wouldn't know, because most of my art and music come from emotional pain as well as financial hardship and the overall anxiety of trying to make a living with this. So, I really wouldn't know what it's like to make art from that headspace.. But the juxtaposition here is that for someone who writes lyrics and performs from a relatively dark space, my dj sets come from a completely different point of reference. They spring forth from my life as a raver and dancer in the nineties. It was all about love and I aim to keep it that way. I'm not there to make the dance floor more miserable. I'm there to lift their spirits and save their lives for a night.
Perhaps the deejaying could save my own life too, if you look at it that way. As my singing and deejaying continue to merge into one show, perhaps my lyrics and singing will become more uplifting to match the music I play in my sets. This is something I've been debating..
The merge is currently underway, and it's not a simple one by any means.. But every morning I wake up, put one foot in front of the other, and consciously make the choice to stay out of the abyss. God knows I've spent too many days and nights there already..
Over and out. Goodnight. <3